Elon Musk To Buy Majority Stake in Embattled Disney

musk to the rescue

It has certainly been a turbulent few weeks for the Disney Corporation.

About a month ago, Florida Governor Ron Desantis signed into law a bill that was passed by the Florida state legislature. The bill is aimed to prevent young children in Florida’s schools from being exposed to “woke” culture, in particular references to LGBTQ+ culture, which they are clearly too young to absorb.

After the passing of the law Disney, under intense pressure by its employees and “woke” customers, decided to flaunt the law, even going so far as to accuse Governor DeSantis for being a “girly man” afraid of the LGBTQ+ community.

Naturally, this did not go over well with either the state legislature or Governor DeSantis, both of whom promptly passed a law last week that strips Disney of its self governance and imposes massive taxes on the corporation.

Shortly afterwards, things went from bad to worse for Disney, leaving the company in freefall: attendance at its theme parks dropped by over 50%, shares lost over 50 billion dollars in value, and a shareholder revolt threatened to fire embattled Disney CEO Bob Chapek.

All of this has left American patriots scratching their heads and wondering what the heck happened to one of America’s most iconic and beloved brands, one that children of all ages enjoyed until recently.

Enter Elon Musk, who, as he is famous for doing when making a big announcement, posted the following cryptic message on Twitter:

Musk is well known for his past attempts to save American companies and bring them back into the mainstream, most notably his recent offer to buy Twitter and restore freedom of speech to the platform.

Will he do the same for Disney?

We reached out to his office and were contacted by his spokesperson, Cletus Derpfinger, who confirmed that it was indeed Mr. Musk’s intent to buy Disney:

“Well of course he’s serious about buying Disney! I mean, they were going to rename the Disney Plus channel the LGBTQ+ channel! We can’t let them do that to the Mandalorian!

Elon Musk will restore the company to what it once was and get rid of all this “woke” nonsense.

But the “woke” part isn’t the only reason Elon decided to buy the company. Have you ever ridden one of those rides? They’re slow as hell. We will be installing Tesla propulsion systems in Plaid mode for all rides, which will accelerate even the Dumbo the Elephant ride from zero to 60 in under 2 seconds and whip them kids around at 180mph and 8g’s. Toddlers are gonna love it!

We will also be replacing the Epcot Center with a new SpaceX Launch Adventure park, where visitors will be able to take a ride on a Falcon 9 rocket with on-board massage services (happy endings optional for adults only) and then come back just in time for Happy Hour.

Also, Disney food sucks. It has always sucked. Nobody wants to eat it. For that reason we will be offering THC infused Coca Cola products to give all of our customers the munchies and give them the happiest experience of their lives while dining on Sushi and in real 5 star restaurants, not the soggy hot dogs Disney offers right now for $18 each.

Disney will once again be the happiest place on earth!”

 

 

 

 

About Watt A Plonker 26 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.