NFL Will Replace National Anthem With “Less Controversial” Patriotic Song

The National Football League says the time has come to “end the controversy” and change the song they sing at the beginning of games. “The anthem is no longer a widely accepted tune,” said NFL Creative Director Art Tubolls, “it’s become a sideshow of political idiocy. People wanted to kneel, and so-called ‘patriots’ flipped out. It was plain silly, and the league is moving on.”

League Chairman Joe Barron says they’re considering “America the Beautiful” as well as “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” also known as the Black National Anthem. “God Bless the USA,” as well as “American Soldier” were both rejected as “country trash glorifying racists.” The memo noted that the last rejection was on the sole basis of Toby Kieth being an “insufferable asshole” during negotiations.

The NFL is already facing cutbacks over the next 5 years. Reports of mass walkouts of employees and boycotts across the country haven’t actually affected the company’s bottom line, but they expect it to start working any minute now, so the move is something of a preemptive strike. “The movement has been building for years,” said CFO Sandy Batt, “ever since we decided to let Colin Kaepernick express his right to peaceful protest, patriotic Americans have been gathering and boycotting. We’re expecting the lost revenue from not replacing all of those burned jerseys and other memorabilia will send us into a steep decline at least for a few days next Christmas.”

There you have it, patriots. Boycotts work. Keep burning things, and stay true to the cause, whatever that is this week.

God bless America.